“Safe sex is great sex, so you better keep that latex. You don’t want that late text, I think I’m late text.”
Lollipop by Lil Wayne
Oh, you thought healed girl summer didn’t include pleasure? Think again sis! We’ve been stuck in the house since March and some of us have been itchin’ (not literally I hope lol) to get back out to the restaurants, club, airport or to … the bedroom. Recently, I tuned in to one of XoNecole’s Pajamas & Lipstick Virtual Parties and lemme tell you, it was lit! I caught just the end of Nicole the Pole’s session, and she definitely inspired me to add a pole on my Amazon wishlist 🙂 all the way to Pleasure Coach Tyomi Morgan talking to us about self-pleasure. Somewhere in between though, my phone died and I didn’t have my laptop on me, so my notes got lost for a moment. In that moment I was still inspired! So, I thought, lemme write a blog post about 10 things you should ask yourself before getting intimate.
Disclaimer: I’ma “let me see for myself” kinda wombman and I can admit, that approach has not always presented positive outcomes. If I would’ve known how much reflecting on my wants and needs, values, and self-esteem played a huge role in my intimate relationships (or lack thereof) I would’ve asked myself these questions sooner. BUT! we’re here now sis, so let’s jump right in.
1. Have I healed from my experiences with sex trauma?
So, flashbacks are definitely real honey! I noticed I’d get them when I was about to be intimate and my mind and emotions would completely disconnect. It’s like I’d go on autopilot. If you’ve experienced any form of sex trauma, you may can relate and have your own unique experiences. So before you let someone have the most sacred part of you, this is the first question you may want to reflect on.
2. Am I comfortable with expressing my desires, if this person is not satisfying me?
This can be applied to a sexual perspective or in your love life period. Are you comfortable with expressing yourself? And if not…well, you know… #Selflovefortheblackwombman
3. How do I know I can trust this person?
Honestly, girl, this is self-explanatory. Get ya pen and paper and start writing those list of things that makes this person trustworthy (or not).
4. Has this person earned me?
This question probably depends on the nature of the relationship. If you’re feeling like you’re giving more than you’re getting, you may want to also write down things that solidify this person has even earned you.
5. Do I value intimacy?
If you do, and this person is a “I was never really close to (insert important person in their life)” , emotionally unavailable, or has quite the opposite ideals when it comes to forming close bonds with people then…eh, maybe reconsider being intimate/sexual overall. Unless…
6. What do I expect afterwards?
You just want to hit it and quit it, smash and pass, lube her then uber. Then hey, who really cares if the person values intimacy or not? Cause you know that’s not what you want anyway…at least not with them. But if you do expect a lil somethin’ afterwards, like a relationship, then that’s something you should consider expressing upfront or before it reaches *this* point.
7. Is she ready?
Okay girl, when’s the last time you’ve gotten a check-up? Okay I know the Dr.’s have been a little difficult to get in with, since covid, but there are other ways to check and see if she’s ready to be intimate. Vaginal Ph test strips, Yoni Steams, Yoni Eggs, Kegel exercises, Yogurt, and No underwear (I mean you can wear cotton underwear, but it’s hawt asf outside!) Plus, after your wax appointment , you minus well ditch the undies and keep some feminine wipes handy (you’ll thank me later) 😉
8. To let it flow or let them know?
This question came from inspiration from Ms. Nola Darling from She’s Gotta Have It on Netflix. She has what she calls “A Love Bed” and she only had sex, in her bed. Not in the spur of the moment or when the men wanted it. They had to come to her. She had her terms and she made them clear, upfront.
9. How long have I known this person?
Okay so while I encourage sexual liberation for the black wombman, I am not encouraging just bump and grind and anything moving. Personal experiences with lack of better judgement and knowing a persons sexual health ahead of time (before it was too late) inspired this question. Which highkey should’ve been number 1, but whatevs. Safe sex is also great sex.
10. Do you foresee a future with this person?
If you didn’t read the quote at the beginning of this post, I suggest ya go back and read it lol. Do you really want the risk of dealing with this person for… a lifetime? Honor ya uppabody *Young Miami voice* and be smart and be safe.
Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions? Cause ya girl can’t lie, these questions got me evaluating my lifeee lbvs! Let me know in the comments below!
P.s. Reports show that during this time, the number of divorces have skyrocketed and unfortunately so has domestic violence cases. If you have been a victim of domestic violence and are seeking help, please call 1-800-799-7233 or visit hotline.org