It’s 9am on yet another Monday morning, and before you can get out of bed, your phone buzzes with the same message you’ve been getting… at the same time each morning:

“Good morning beautiful”

At lunch, you’ll get a, “wyd?” or “how’s your day going?” text. Nothing too fancy, just mediocre repetition. By the weekend though, if you haven’t already, you’ll be asked to “chill” or “hang out”.

Throw some spice in there and you might get hit with the

“what you got up for tonight?”

Now don’t get me wrong sis, sometimes we get bored (or hungry lol), but if you take the bait, consider yourself on a pre-date. I never realized there were “stages” in dating. I mean, yes we say/said things like “they talk” and then after that it was either “they stopped talking” or “they go together”. But now, we have more millennial verbiage in regards to dating, all thanks to this social media era. Everybodys either been ghosted, breadcrumbed, a “cookie in the jar”, or my favorite word to sum it all up… “played”.

At this point in dating, you need a book, magazine, or something to keep up with the latest dating trends in order to maintain your self-esteem. If you think about it, the whole thing seems a bit toxic. It can become emotionally draining for a woman (of any age really) that’s trying to date to get married/be in a committed relationship (cause sometimes we don’t get to the dating stage), or dating already. The dating game doesn’t allow you to establish sincere relationships, as you’re either on guard, trying to protect your emotions, or worse…have become the people that once hurt you. If you’ve read my book Unspoken Chronicles of a Sidechick: A Poetic Memoir, then you know I’ve had my fair share of Situationships especially.

So, how do we maintain our sanity, dignity, and self-esteem while dating in this social media, lacking effort to sustain authentic relationships era? #DateYourself

Now just hear me out for a second sis. I know some of us were told to “wait on the right one to find you.” but some of us have found out the hard way that these beliefs are keeping us from,“living our best life” You find yourself psychologically trying to become what you think a man would approve of in order to just be with you. Instead of being who you want…who you are yearning to be! So, instead of being bitter or playing the victim because, *sings* “you tried to play meeeee, you did mee shadddyyy” I decided to “Date Myself”. Despite the acquaintances or flings every now and again, I’ve been dating myself for the last year or so.

Benefits of Dating Yourself

  • Low tolerance of bullsh*t from others
  • Adhering to your own standards
  • Knowing what you want
  • Increased sense of self

And so much more…

1. Low Tolerance for Bullsh*t

Oh he didn’t get paid this week and you had to front the bill this time? Him and his ex are now just friends, even though they just broke up a few months ago? Comparing you to his “others”? They broke up because she was crazy? No job, don’t have joint or sole custody of his kids? Ghosts you. Drops breadcrumbs. Pops in and out of your life to see if you’re still accessible? Nah, we’re not understanding your situation this time sir. We didn’t break it, so we don’t have to buy it. Keep the bullshit, you’re trying to sell.When you develop a heightened sense of love for self, your tolerance for bullsh*t is slim to none. You recognize that you don’t have to carry their bags as a part of their vetting process. You are the 1, let them be the 2, tell em’ #Deuces

2. Adhering to your own standards

When you date yourself, you set the tone for the next relationship (or encounter) in your life. If you like to take yourself out a few times a week, need mental stimulation through conversation, or love to spend time with your family, you probably wouldn’t be interested in someone who doesn’t share similar values or commonalities.

Transparent moment: I really didn’t think of it that way, until I just wrote it. I hadn’t realized that it would help me with knowing if I even wanted to engage in a conversation with you or not, if I really outlined what my standards are from the perspective of compatibility.

3. Knowing what you want and what you don’t want

After dealing with the bs, while dating yourself you become comfortable or began to truly like who you are. When you decide to start dating again, you’ll have a better sense of what you want and what you don’t want.

4. Increased sense of self

How many times has a situation with your partner or someone you’re just dating left you questioning yourself? Or wondering why you keep running into the *seemingly* same kind of people? A recent situation had me questioning myself and my homegirl had to snap me out of it. Reminding me of how I am towards others and how I bring my own table…Dating yourself allows for you to spend time with yourself… alone. You’ll be inspired to know yourself better, especially when peace is involved. Your sense of self (our self perception/ beliefs about ourselves) will discontinue to allow things that don’t vibe with us in our sphere. You’ll begin to attract more positive experiences. You’ll have a better sense of your needs and wants. And let me be honest with you sis…*clears throat*

  • You don’t want a relationship, you just want your sexual needs met.
  • You don’t want a relationship, you just want to feel admired and adored (well, catch a train to a city that is known for it’s love of black women…)
  • If there’s a pattern, similar triggers, etc, it’s not them (I mean technically it is but here’s a different perspective), it is you. It’s not happening to you, but for you…to heal from that trigger/ patterned behaviors in relationships are translating to. (Childhood trauma, emotional abuse, neglect, anxiety, etc).
  • But if you really want a partner, OK, start showing up as you would with this person and continue to highlight what a partnership is to and for you. (because you may find it doesn’t need to involve sexual intimacy)

In a world that continues to gaslight the black wombman for breathing, Dating Yourself In 2020 especially since we’re almost up out of quarantine from covid-19!?

These are just one of the many ways you can maintain your dignity, sanity, and overall well- being.

What do you think about dating yourself? Have you done it?

Be unspoken in the comments below.

With love,